epiphony addiction

Just got home from karaoke night. It was mother's birthday yesterday and I guess this was our way of celebrating it; Our, being them family members stuck here in the land of the rising sun. Seemed like forever since we last went out. I wasn't entirely in the mood but it was our only form of r&r every once in a blue moon — cos we live like ants — so I thought, "What the heck!"
It took a couple of songs before my ears adjusted to the blasting sounds. Imagine being shook vigorously by a person holding onto both your shoulders. That's how I felt. Tapos yung shattered pieces din ng puso kong bato ay nagpi-pinball inside of me. I'm the epitome of a masochist in the most twisted way you can think of. Trust me.

I wish I could say I've completely let go. Almost there pa lang. Siguro about an arm's-length-reach away. There are times that I waver, but guilt overpowers my emotions. Eventhough a friend keeps telling me that all is fair in love and war, it's no use. Society's fucked-up morals and ethics are solidly cemented in my unconscious and conscious na rin. The chain of inhibition that binds me will never be broken, that's why happily ever after are only fairy tale material – not for me.

I guess it was a bad decision that we went to karaoke. We probably should've dined out na lang like how most people would celebrate birthdays. Pagsisihan ko na lang noh?
It was mind-blowing how I could relate to almost every song. I kept on making every song describe my situation with J. Pero siguro it's a part of the process din. Withdrawal symptoms kumbaga. Makes me want to puke talaga.
Big girl's don't cry, kaya even if I wanted to kanina, I stopped myself from ruining everyone's night. I'm selfish, but not to that extent. Besides, I've already moved on. (Or so I keep telling myself.) It's only the walking away part I'm finding difficult. It would be much more easier if I just cut all ties with him. However he's insistent that we remain friends. Yeah right?! Friends to Lovers - OO! Lovers to Friends - NOT IN MY LIFETIME! Why can't he understand? I'd give anything to have him back.

"And I'm not jealous, no I'm not. I just want everything she's got."
-Paula DeAnda, When It Was Me

I don't want everything naman eh. I just want him. Is that so much to ask?

three-parts fool, one-part heartbroken

I guess I could say that he always does this to me. That it probably gives him pleasure to cause me misery. That I shouldn't have been surprised. That I am in no position to be hurting right now. That he may be clueless on how his actions affect me, greatly. That living in our make-believe world brings as much pain as accepting the reality of our circumstances. That he never truly cared. That I was a fool in love. That all this was a fantasy, and that I should let him go.

This time around, I'm prepared to take responsibility for the situation. Because it's unfair to make this his fault alone, for I also allowed it to happen — again. I may have read more than what were there between the lines. Forgive the heart who was smitten.

There's no changing the fact that she's got him. The chilling realization is more than I can bear. But tears won't flow for a love that was never meant to begin with. She makes him happy. I no longer have the courage to fight for him in a battle I am destined to lose. Or may be I'm just a coward. Selfishness won't do the both of us good. Why must I hold on when he can make this work with her?

I don't want to be in this place right now but there's no escape for me. Should I appreciate their efforts of reaching out to me? It's quite difficult to feel happy for them but I know I'll get there, soon enough. There are no bad guys in this story. Only characters with ulterior motives. It breaks my heart that her smile was genuine when they bid me goodbye. She could've been my friend. He was a friend, but not anymore. There's just no going back this time. I cannot pretend any longer. He was never mine.

disappointment is the moral of the story

It's my fault for being a total push-over. I'm probably the most passive girl I know. I should learn to stick to my guns and not be swayed too easily.

Why is it that I don't get what I want? And when I get something remotely similar, it makes me want to puke? I'm a complete paradox.

I know this is what I want. Maybe. But I can't help feeling disappointed and a tad bit sad. Perhaps I shouldn't have set my goals too high? Because landing straight flat on my bottom sure does hurt a lot.

be careful what you wish for

February 9th, a Friday, will go down in history as the most surprise-filled day in my entire life. Although the day began with the deadening effect of the same routine tasks, followed by an afternoon so lacking in interest as to cause mental weariness, the events that took place around 4-6:30 PM would more than make up for the tiresome day week month life I've been having. I don't think I could have been prepared for it even if I were the world's #1 girlscout.

Since last year, I've been dreading the annual company interview done every February. This was going to be my first cos I've only been with them for *roughly* a year and a couple of months. It's actually nothing serious, I think they just do it cos work is much too uninteresting. But I was making a big deal out of it cos the guys from the main office were the ones doing the interviewing — that can also be read as Jake's posse — hence, there was a huge possibility that Jake will interview me, or any one of them big wigs of the company. It should also be noted that my Nihonggo skills are at par with that of a 3-year-old Japanese kid. I was obsessing over a possible firing-scenario if my non-existent Japanese-speaking skill was uncovered.

But I shouldn't have had my knickers all in a friken bunch. I didn't even had the chance to use the things I learned from the crash-course Nihonggo lessons that my cousin gave. I was the 2nd-to-the-last employee to be interviewed by the boss' son, whom I will refer to as White Rose. After the polite greetings, White Rose asked how was work and how was I relating to my workmates. I told him that everything was a-ok. When we were clear on that, he zoomed in straight to his target. He asked if I was married; I said, after a long pause and covert lying eyes, not yet. He asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no. He asked if I have a boyfriend back in the motherland, I said there is absolutely no one.

White Rose is actually a hott guy, which is a very rare species on the Land of the Rising Sun. So being the typical me, I was already getting ahead of myself and marketing me as single and very available. Eventhough I've decided to rid my life of men, who was I to reject the boss' son? Then, he said that there was this guy from the main office, a friend of his from what I've gathered, who likes me. He sees me everytime I pass by there and is really interested in asking me out. I nearly fell off my chair. He then asked if I would like to meet the guy. He said it was okay if I didn't want too, but that maybe I should give it a shot. He then continues to sell his friend as any brilliant advertiser would of their product. As a result, I was forced to agree with his matchmaking plans.

*Note to self: Learn to say NO.

WR then called his friend Jake - he had to have the same name as jerkwad <_< - and told him that we will be meeting him after work. I was almost paralyzed at this point so I just had to clarify who this Jake guy was. As it turns out, many Japanese are named 'Jake'. We carried on with our conversation, but all the while I was thinking how could this Jake#2 guy like me? I mean seriously, he doesn't even know me. More importantly, what's there to like? *argh~* Another supersonicoverdrive mode for my thoughts. I'm just your typical Meantime Girl. What could Mojacko - WR said that Jake#2 looked like the round orange cartoon - possibly see? I'm much too messed up to have this added stress. Gawd!

Wanna know something ironic? Around 3 PM of that same day I was going through major emo-mode thinking how worthless and unwanted I was. I was being whine-y and was asking the Powers That Be if it was wrong for me to want to matter - at least to some one. And when this was served on my plate, I wasn't sure if I really wanted it. That's how crazy I am. I'm just an arm's reach away from pulling off a Britney Spears.

straight from the unicorn’s mouth

Narinig niyo na ba ang latest? I have; Cos green-eyed Michelle, na mamatay-matay sa selos, was more than eager to gossip kaninang lunchtime na Jon and Patty are already an item. Sabi niya pa "it's confirmed" na daw dahil si Patty mismo ang nagkwento nung Saturday.
And since I don't have anything better to do but mind other people's business, I asked Jon kung totoo bang sila na nga. Tama ba namang sagutin ako ng, "Bakit? Selos ka?" (u_u) You wish! KANKENAIYO! Chismosa lang talaga ako.

So I went to Patty instead. Although I didn't ask her directly, fishing lang. The approaching V-Day was the perfect excuse. Dito kasi sa Japan, the girls are the ones supposed to give gifts sa guys kapag Feb.14. Sa White Day naman yung boys turn the following month.

Anyhow, true that. The two are officially a couple. Kaso hush-hush pa lang. I don't think it's against company policies. Shy lang siguro sila.
Tuloy ngayon, I can't stop wondering if they already did it. *naughty* Lalo na when I see them talking, my imagination goes on supersonicoverdrive.

get over it~ cos i have

I saw Jake earlier at the main office. Siya yung lalaking pinapasko, kasi feeling niya pasko sa kanya everyday. (He also called me promiscuous the last time we talked.) I was actually surprised na he was there cos his car hasn't been on its usual parking spot for almost a week na. I thought he quit or maybe even got fired. Of course that's only wishful thinking on my part.
In all fairness sa'ming dalawa, civil naman kami sa isa't-isa sa harap ng ibang mga tao. But 'off-cam' ay mamamatay muna kami before talking to each other. That's how bad things got between us.

He asked how I was doing and kinumusta niya rin sakin si Jon. Gawd! I guess he's yet to get over the stupid issue. He still thinks that there's something between me and Jon? Puh-leez~ The guy's gay… or at least, gay according to my standards.
So I said I was fine. About Jon, I wouldn't know. We hardly talk to each other ever since nagsimula siyang pormahan si Patty. He only has eyes for her now. Kaya Patty, goodluck na lng sa'yo.
Besides, he's Jon's friend kaya. Pero Jake said na they haven't talked since November. HA! What a jerkwad! Very subtle na panunumbat huh. That's when my patience slowly began its vanishing act.

Pwede ba? I wanted to shout at him. I wanted to punch him in the face and kick his groin ng pagkalakas-lakas. Lahat nalang ng violent moves na alam ko ay gusto kong gawin sa kanya. Pasalamat siya at may mga tao sa paligid.

He's got some nerve na ipagdukdukan sa mukha ko yung nga accusations niya. I never did anything wrong! We ate out; it wasn't a date naman. Fine! I slept over at Jon's place. Pero I didn't sleep with him. OO na! We sorta had a 'thing' nung time na yun. Pero nothing serious, just the usual fling imo. And as far as I knew, we weren't exclusive din. Kaya mahirap lang tanggapin na I cheated on him daw.

(¬_¬) Jake naman~ Sino kaya ang may asawa sa'ting dalawa?

twincest and spinsterella*

[ Boku Wa Imouto Ni Koi Wo Suru // I'm In Love With My Little Sister ]

Been wanting to see this movie since it's release on the 20th. The first lead role in a movie for MatsuJun, known as Sawada Shin to those who have watched Gokusen. It's the live-action movie of Aoki Kotomi's manga with the same title, which tells the story of siblings Yori and Iku; Yori oversteps his brotherly love for Iku when he falls madly and deeply in love with her. A step up from the common incestual love story because Yori and Iku are twins — hence the twincest. I'm actually looking forward if they have any 'intense' love scenes in the movie cos the manga had more than a few. Plus seeing Jun in emotional agony gives me sick pleasure. (^ 3^)

Btw, here's a link to the trailer with english subs in case youtube acts up.

*Shameless plugging: I also created a new blog for my writer-wanna-be self. Drop by sometime over at spinsterella.i.ph and read some of my stories. And even though it takes a while to load, I'm just loving calliope and i.ph so much right now.

books before boys

I lived by those three words for my entire life as a student. My parents would always tell me to value my education and prioritize it above all else, as it was the only treasure they could give me. Of course you know the rest of this monologue.

After I graduated uni, I was advised to experience the world first hand for myself. It would be such a shame for a young woman like myself to be allowed to be tied down early on in life. There will be plenty more time for that.

Now that I am earning a decent living for my family, I'm beginning to feel the pressure to settle down, or at least show signs that I am sort of headed towards that direction. Mother's not getting any younger and she would love to see a grandchild of her own. If I take my time I would probably have a hard time conceiving a baby. I might miss the bus ride and get left behind.

But the thing is, I don't care if I get left behind. Although I would like to give my mother the grandkid she would love to have, I'm in no particular hurry. For crying out loud~ I'm only 25! Besides, if I don't become a spinster the next option is single-motherhood blessedness. I could probably handle that.